Thanksgiving in Recovery

I wanted to write this post as a reminder that recovery is possible.     I remember how difficult Thanksgivings were for me.   I would prepare for weeks……not the preparation that most people think of – like getting the centerpieces on the table, gathering recipes, and finding games for after the Thanksgiving feast.   My planning was much more deliberate (and as I later uncovered, building an armor for self-protection).  How would I handle the comments when people asked “is that all you’re going to eat?”, “you look so thin, you need a twinkie”, and then the comments from my inner-circle “are you OK?”, “I’m worried about you”.    Thanksgiving was my most dreaded holiday because I had to face my biggest fear….not the food – but the disappointment from my family and friends.    I was full before I even started eating – due to the pit in my stomach from this crushing disappointment in myself.    How could someone so disciplined, so educated, do something so unhealthy to her body.   And my inner-critic was not kind .  I had two emotions – shame and numb and I never knew which one was worse.

But today, I feel like I live in an alternate reality, but realize this is my true reality – I was hijacked for 20 years from unrealistic expectations, shame (for really no reason – other than being human), and a sadness I could not express because my family could not handle the emotion of truth.     I found that giving myself the gift of recovery allowed me to see through the BS of what really matters.   No one cares what your centerpiece is,  what type of silverware you are using, what shoes you are wearing.   They care about YOU!   

I invite you to take the time to care for yourself.   It is not selfish – it is an act of caring for yourself and anyone who tells you those two are synonymous are voices you can choose to silence.